Euro 2016 Final: A Collision of Historical Proportions

Your Program Guide:

Portugal – Men of War.  Or at least Men of Skirmish.

• Magellan/Santos – With great power comes great…ness?
• Da Gama/Pepe – Tenacious D.
• Saramago/Ronaldo – Exploring alternate realities of Jesus Christ.
• Pintasilgo/Sanches – Bringing some much needed FemDom.  

France – Bringing street cred to Earth since 2087.

• Napoleon/Deschamps – Lannisters 4 Gryffindor.  
• Chopin/Pogba – New Vegas show opening this fall!
• Lafayette/Lloris – The overachieving friend no one invites to things.  
• D’Arc/Griezmann – Both have been on a real hot streak lately.

PORTUGAL

The Portuguese Men of War will be entering the UEFA European Championship Final with the kind of momentum that can only be achieved when a bunch of other countries make sacrifices to help you out of debt because you’re too unbridled and irresponsible to get the job done yourself.  And yet they wield the deathblade that is Cristiano Ronaldo, along with a couple backup throwing knives in the forms of Nani and Renato Sanches.  Will they be underdogs?  Probably.  Should they be?  Probably.   Will they still win the whole damn thing?  Probably.

So, let’s take a look at how this Portuguese bunch affiliates with its historical brethren.  

Fernando Santos – Manager
Ferdinand Magellan

   

In 1519 Ferdinand Magellan (Fernão de Magalhães) was selected to bring glory to Portugal.  Fernando Santos is now the elected harbinger of glory whose name does not rhyme with Mistiano Squinaldo.  Magellan’s voyages were really an exercise in blind luck.  His sailing mantra was “Go the fuck forward.”  Santos embodies a similar manner, endeavoring to act with poise on the touchline while clearly not knowing how the hell to set up his team.  With Magellanic luck he will make it around the globe and back to Lisbon with trophy in hand.  

Pepe – Centerback
Vasco da Gama

 As the first European to reach India by sea, Vasco da Gama was truly an OG.  At thirty-three we can say the same about Pepe.  Da Gama’s many voyages parallel the bevy of caps Pepe has for his country.  And to really drive home the connections between these two, on da Gama’s second voyage he found himself in a cloud of red mist, which is something Pepe knows all about.  Da Gama turned a ship of 400 pilgrims into smoke on the water and fire in the sky.  Meanwhile, in the 21^st century, Pepe can similarly lose his head.  Sometimes he can lose it right into someone else’s head.  Thomas Muller's, for instance.

Cristiano Ronaldo – Forward
Jose Saramago

It’s only fitting that one of the greatest writers of the 20^th century aligns with one of the greatest footballers of the 21^st century.  Their combined trophy case includes Ballon d’Ors, various regional literature awards, a baker’s dozen or so league championships, the fucking Nobel Prize in Literature in 1998, and a Portugal’s Most Handsome award (flip a coin on who took that one home).  Ronaldo’s sublime abilities on the football pitch might only be rivaled by Saramago’s transcendence in creating inspiring allegories of the human condition.  Still, the fact remains: Saramago was a fucking commie.  And Ronaldo’s deathgrip on his Portuguese side is, frankly, Stalin-esque.        

Renato Sanches – Midfielder
Maria de Lourdes Pintasilgo

Pintasilgo and Sanches are truly cut from the same cloth.  As the first and only female Prime Minister of Portugal, Pintasilgo made huge strides in worker social security.  Thank God someone was looking out for the country.  Similarly, Sanches is the first female footballer to make the men’s national team and seemed to be the only one willing to play in Portugal’s first half dozen matches of Euro 2016.  Pintasilgo only held her seat for about six months, while Sanches is still in her first six months as an international footballer.  Even in such a short time, though, both women managed to have huge impacts on Portugal’s outlook.  We can only imagine how great a country Portugal would be if Pintasilgo had been given more time, and we can hope that in time Sanches can prove to be both a breaker of chains and a beater of worlds for the Portuguese. 

FRANCE

The fiery French Cocks are foaming at the mouth in this Euro 2016 campaign.  With a bit of luck and enough skill they clucked past ze Germans and into the final.  The tournament hosts might well become the fourth side in European Championship history to make full use of the home field advantage (Spain 1964, Italy 1968, France 1984).  We know they’ve got goals for days in the likes of Olivier Giroud, Dimitri Payet, and Antoine Griezmann, not to mention talismanic firepower in the youthful legs of Paul Pogba.  But have they overachieved?  Has the French hourglass let through its final grain of sand for 2016, in which case Portugal automatically wins before the match is even played? 

At any rate, let’s shine some historical perspective-giving light on the French effort in this Euro final.  

Didier Deschamps – Manager
Napoleon Bonaparte

As only the second captain in football history to win a Champions League, World Cup, and European Championship trophy, Deschamps is no stranger to success.  And when we think of success in French history, the first name on the list is undeniable.  Napoleon really was the lovechild of Ramsey Bolton and Bobby Fisher, which allowed him to become one of the most successful conquerors in world history.  Deschamps is also known as a brilliant tactician, and as a defender during his playing career he was ruthless, flaying attackers without discrimination.  Unfortunately, the Portuguese happened to be a key component of the Allied victory over Napoleon in June of 1815.  The fruitful French manager can only hope the Euro 2016 final is not his Waterloo.  

Paul Pogba – Midfielder

Frederic Chopin

There’s no denying that we’re speaking of two maestros.  Chopin came out of the womb playing “Chopsticks,” while it’s said that Pogba’s first shit was a perfect through ball.  As prodigious as Chopin’s career was, he still can’t seem to crack the top of the lists of greatest composers, playing second piano to the likes of Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven.  Pogba’s on-pitch abilities have the same quality as the finest of Bordeauxs, and he can certainly turn a match into a symphony as he pulls strings in the midfield, but will we ever utter his name before the likes of Maradona, Zidane, or Cruyff?  A virtuoso performance in Sunday’s final could certainly help his case. 

Hugo Lloris – Goalkeeper
Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette

You want to talk about dedication, expertise, and excellent decision-making?  Look no further than the dynamic duo of Lloris and Lafayette, both of whom are featured in Lin-Manuel Miranda’s world-beating Hamilton: The Musical.  The Hero of Two Worlds is remembered as someone who seemed to always be in the right place at the right time to help the right cause.  There is perhaps no more dutiful and ethical decision maker in history.  Similarly, Lloris can hardly put a foot wrong in his box.  His positioning, timing, and instincts are impeccable.  Lloris’s Lafayette-like dedication to the causes of his teams can be summed up in his playing of a club match for Nice only two days after his mother’s death.  In the end, one could argue Lafayette was stuck between those two worlds in which he performed heroically.  If Lloris cannot deliver trophies to France or Tottenham, might he end up drifting in the Atlantic?  

Antoine Griezmann – Forward
Joan of Arc (Jeanne d’Arc)

There may be many historical contenders for the title “Face of France,” but there can only be one winner.  That, of course, goes to the Maid of Orléans herself, Joan of Arc.  Griezmann has recently found himself as the 21^st century face of French football, making the FIFA 16 cover alongside Lionel Messi.  The similarities don’t cease there.  Joan made quick work of things at Orléans, while Griezmann often dispatches La Liga and French opponents in the blink of an eye.  Both have certainly managed to capitalize on their images.  Joan has truly run the gamut, appearing in countless works of art, literature, and music throughout history.  Meanwhile, Griezmann has not only cashed in on his likeness with FIFA, but is also hawking headphones to Francophiles and audiophiles alike.  If Griezmann were to learn one thing from his historical analog, though, it would be to put out his hair before the fire spreads.  We hope a scorched scalp doesn’t affect his performance on the pitch this Sunday.